Higher
by Starchick
Summary: My second attempt at a serious CCS fic. Don't know if it's that good, it's one of those Meiling feeling sad about S+S fics, but there is a different twist. Has a type of moral, so read and review, please


Well, I decided to take another stab at an angst Cardcaptors fic, since so many people insisted that  
I did a good job on the other one ^_^. It's really different from my last one, though, it's a bit darker.  
But I hope you all enjoy it. Mostly centers around Meiling.  
  
I'm dedicating this fic to Fallon (you're the best!), cuz she happens to be a Meiling fan, and besides  
she deserves it. I'm also dedicating it to Manda-chan, Leeman, Neo Princess Lika, and about everyone  
else who was so nice to review my fic and even email me, and say such nice things about it. You're all   
great, so I really hope you like this one too.   
  
Just a note to "SAL"; I don't think I got your email, so can you please tell me if you sent it? Maybe I  
just didn't know the address, that'd be typical me ^^*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Cardcaptors *sighs*  
  
Oh, one more thing, the song the fic is named after is 'Higher', by Creed, but the other lyrics are  
from the song 'Hemorrhage (In My Hands)', by Fuel, both of which are great songs ^_^  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
HIGHER  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And I watched as you turned away  
You don't remember, but I do  
You never even tried  
  
  
~Fuel- Hemorrhage  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
The room is dark, black. Black as the night that is coming on.  
And the darkness is both outside, and within.  
  
I sat at my window forlornly, staring out at the world below. So peaceful. So...pretty, with the sun  
setting over the cityline and the horizons, reflecting off of every flower, every window-lit building,  
every cherry blossom tree.  
  
Cherry blossom trees...when had they become his favourite? Why hadn't I noticed?  
  
I looked up at the sky. Not a cloud in sight. Shoot. I wanted it to rain so badly. It was as if the weather  
was mocking my mood.  
The scenery was so beautiful. Beautiful on the outside, made you want to wish and hope that it was  
beautiful on the inside as well.  
  
But of course, it never worked out that way. Nature's cruelest touch: pain in pleasure.  
If it could all just go back...  
  
No sign of rain, thunder, anything yet. Just gorgeous purple, red, and orange bands of light parading  
across the sky from the orange orb that continued to sit on the cityline.  
So beautiful....  
  
Such a contrast to my bedroom. Dark, bleak, hadn't seen light in the past twenty-four hours. Not  
since my life had changed forever.  
I felt so cold. So empty. Like my heart was a huge slab of coal. I was afraid of how I was feeling.  
Maybe I should go see a doctor?  
  
There was nothing any doctor could humanly prescribe that would make me feel better.  
  
The sun set farther, casting a long shadow across the carpet of my room, reflecting my image in the  
glass window. Ruby-red eyes, once so bright and fiery...were those really the same ones? Those   
dulled orbs the colour of rust?  
  
I closed my eyes to ward off the image. But it stayed with me. The image of the girl I once was. A  
girl that just hadn't been enough for him, no matter what I tried.  
And I really had tried so hard. I had done everything and anything I could to make him feel the way  
I felt. But it just wasn't enough.  
  
The only thing that had been enough was a bright-eyed, spirited ten-year-old girl from Tomoeada  
Elementary.   
  
To show him the light in life...I was never able to do that. Because I just didn't have the light. She did.  
She was the only one who ever would have the light, to him.  
Light...something he had never really known. All his life, it had always been about training, following  
the Li Clan tradition. And emotions just hadn't been able to fit in.  
  
Until that day when he'd been sent on a certain mission....  
  
A tear slipped down my face. I hurriedly wiped it away. Another tear slipped down. After about five  
attempts to stem the flow, I just gave up. Strange, I thought I'd been all hollowed out. After having  
cried all night and all day, I wouldn't have thought I would have anything left over. Wrong again.  
  
I would sell my soul to meet you again, just to go back, one more time....  
The first time we'd met..could it really be all over? Or had it never been in the first place? When  
we'd been set up to be engaged, I could still remember how ecstatic I'd been, especially when he'd  
said he hadn't minded.  
  
I opened my eyes and looked down at my hands. Why hadn't I been good enough? It had to be   
something I had done. Was it because our supposed love was based on something he had to do?  
All his life, he'd been told what to do, and hadn't dared go against the word of the Li Clan.  
  
Yet he had never known destined, true love...until he met her.  
Because I never showed him. I'd never really proved just how strong my feelings were to him.  
  
But God, I loved him so much. I almost wished I didn't, because then it wouldn't hurt so badly.  
Just one more time...  
  
"Meiling?"  
The voice came from the doorway. The ever familiar voice which sent shivers down my spine, and  
still did. But where the once-warm rush had been, oh no, now it was ice-cold.  
"Li," I whispered, turning to face the door. Just the sound of his voice, saying his name...how could  
anything hurt so much?  
  
"Are you okay?"  
There was no mistaking the feminine voice, which was also very familiar. At the sound of it, I   
turned to look out the window again, contemplating just what my feelings were, and how they   
had changed. Yesterday I had been furious with Sakura, with Madison, with him...with the world.  
Today, I could find nothing else to hate but myself.  
  
And people were supposed to live through this?  
  
"Meiling, don't you think it's time you came out? You've been locked in there since yesterday...  
shouldn't we talk?"  
The thought made me want to cry out; I quickly grabbed a pillow to muffle my gasp of terror. There  
was no way I'd be able to hold it together if I *talked* to them...I could barely listen to the  
sound of his voice without breaking into pieces.   
  
"Meiling, I'm really sorry for what happened yesterday."  
  
I blocked out the sound of Sakura's voice, lost in my own thoughts.  
Meiling, I'm really sorry. Meiling, don't get mad, okay? Meiling, stop being such an idiotic brat.  
Meiling....Meiling...  
  
Who was she? Where was she? And who was this girl with the dull red eyes and the loose black  
hair that wouldn't stop staring back at me from the cool glass of the window?  
  
I love you so much....  
  
"Meiling, can you hear us?"  
I squeezed my eyes shut. "Please, just go away." Was that my voice? When had I ever sounded   
so cold, so...sinister, to him?  
  
I looked down at my hands again, and as if for the first time, noticed the diamond engagement  
ring. I stared at it like I'd never seen it before, even though I'd worn it every day of my life since  
I was seven.   
  
Or maybe I'd just worn what I thought it symbolized. And had failed to see the big picture.  
Typical me.  
  
Slowly, as if performing some type of delicate surgery, I pulled the ring off my finger. The red  
welt that remained reminded me that I would never put this behind me as easily as I'd just  
pulled off that ring.  
  
I contemplated throwing the ring out of my window, let it fall three stories to the ground. Then I  
realized that was a stupid, cowardly thing to do. And I'd been a coward all my life, the least I  
could do is at least give the ring back to Li straight. For him..  
  
For you I'd do anything...  
  
I pulled open the door of my bedroom, to look into four shocked faces. Madison and the stuffed  
animal were there too. Maybe I might have wondered why, if I hadn't instantly started concentrating  
on giving the ring back and getting away before I broke down. One look at Li and I knew I was  
about to.  
  
"Here," I whispered, dropping the ring into his slightly outstretched hand. He looked down at it in  
confusion; I don't think he realized what it was at first. When he finally did, he looked back up at   
me. Shock and surprise were written all over his face.  
  
"It's not mine to keep," I told him softly, not being able to keep the sad edge out of my voice. But  
I was grateful--there were a lot worse things I could have revealed to them. "I wouldn't have any  
right."  
  
His dark eyes searched mine, and I felt myself cry out inside my heart..cry out for the weak feeling  
I used to get whenever he'd so much as glance into my eyes. Was it possible to be this much in  
love with someone? Maybe it was, if Sakura felt the way I did.  
  
Tearing my gaze away, I slipped back into my room, shut the door tightly behind me, and slid down  
the wooden frame, tears soaking my face and white nightgown as my body coiled up in pain. Yeah,  
I definetly think I was wrong about having no more tears to cry. Maybe the tears only run as deep  
as the pain does. Well, I guess that means I'll be crying for a long time.  
  
If only we could start it over again...  
  
I heard the faint pitter-pattering on the roof, and looked at my window to see it drenched in water,  
just like my face. Through my tears, I smiled somewhat bitterly. I guess the Clan members were  
wrong; maybe I do have some magic in me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
She cries her life is like  
Some movie in black and white  
Dead actors faking lines   
Over and over and over again  
As she cries  
  
  
~Fuel- Hemorrhage  
  
  
  
  
  
  
(One Year Later)  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
Yeah, I can definetly say it's been awhile. Now I'm into my crazy mixed-up teenage years. As if that  
isn't hard enough, with all the "additional trauma" I'm going through.  
  
It's amazing how much can change in just one year. Childhood morphs into reality, friendships turn  
corrupt....love turns to hate.  
  
Or maybe the corruption is just on my side. Whatever.  
  
I slid into my seat at 8:05 in the morning, about half an hour early for class. And I suppose I could  
get the homework that I never finished last night done now, but hey, why bother? I had better  
things to do.  
  
Half an hour passed by incredibly quickly. Kids began streaming into the eighth grade classroom.  
Chelsea, Nikki, and Rita came in through the door and took their seats. Childhood friends of mine...  
a time long past.  
  
I purposely ignored Madison Taylor when she came into the classroom and took her seat, even  
though she sat right in front of me. She was from a time long past, too.  
I quickly buried my nose in my book as Sakura came in...and not far behind her, Li, with Zachery.  
  
And they took their normal seats...next to me. And I still pretended they weren't there.  
Hey, what could I say? I had broken off most contact with all of my "childhood" friends. They were  
all happy together with all their little couples' conventions, and they didn't need me hanging around.  
And I didn't want to hang around.  
  
But oh, it did still hurt to see Sakura and Li together. Nothing would ever really take away the pain...  
  
Madison glanced over her shoulder at me. "Uh, Meiling? You all right?" she asked quietly, so the  
teacher wouldn't hear.  
"Just peachy," I replied, hearing the sardonic tone in my voice. No doubt she heard it too, because  
she bit down on her lip and turned back around.  
  
I didn't even bother to notice her hurt expression, as I fingered my raven locks, just newly cut. I  
had sliced my once waist-length hair to about shoulder length, a while ago. I managed to restrain  
myself from laughing out loud again as I remembered the night when Li and Wei had seen me,  
after cutting my hair.   
  
I thought Li was going to throw a fit. He was going to, just as soon as Wei finished throwing his.   
But I when Wei left, and Li started in on me, I just told him to shut up and escaped to my room.   
Actually, that in itself must have been an improvement. It was the longest conversation I'd had with  
him all year. I also couldn't remember when I'd been so mad. It was *my* freakin' life.  
  
I suppose I couldn't blame them for being upset. I had grown my hair long for a reason: it was a  
Li Clan tradition. By cutting my hair, I had practically violated a criminal law in their eyes.  
But there was something I'd realized a while back--tradition was one of the little things in life  
that just ended up screwing you over in the end.   
  
But at least *he* liked my hair better this way...  
  
Besides, I had desperately wanted to get away from the girl I had been. I hated that girl, the stupid  
naive idiot...who had set herself up for such a brutal smackdown from life.   
And what was with that hair? I don't know what I had been thinking, I looked like that dumb girl on  
TV that ran around in a miniskirt.  
  
I completely ignored the fact that Sailor Moon had once been my trademark favourite show, and idol.  
Once..the key word. Pretty much the only word that could sum up my life right now. The remains of  
a ghost long forgotten.  
  
To love you was the cruelest curse....  
  
Of course, all of these things had been inspired by *something*.  
I shook my thoughts out of my head, and leaned down toward my backpack. Sifling through the  
contents, I smiled as I saw what I'd been looking for. I ran my fingers almost fondly along the  
plastic Baggie that held the white powder. It was there, in case I ever felt myself slipping   
away.   
  
"Meiling Rae?"  
I shot my head up, quickly pulling closed the pack. "What did I do now?" I snapped at the teacher.  
  
He looked at me strangely. "I'm just doing role call. But now that you mention it.." He raised an  
eyebrow as he tapped his pen against the clipboard. "I don't suppose you would have last night's  
homework complete, would you?"  
  
I gave him a smirk. "Three guesses, Mr. Yoshina."  
He frowned. "This is the third time this week, Ms. Rae."  
I leaned my head against my hand on the desk, rolling my eyes. "I know," I replied in a monotone.  
"Of course you realize that this means detention?"  
"I know the drill, sir. Three to four after school."  
  
Guess you could say I wasn't exactly the golden student.  
Mr. Yoshina gave me a concerned look over his shoulder as he continued doing role call. I ignored  
the other students, most of which my former friends, as they watched me after the confrontation  
with the teacher.  
  
Sheesh, you'd think it was something new, the way they'd act.  
Middle school is soooo primitive.  
I glanced over my shoulder at Li, who's gaze was more powerful than all of them put together.  
He hadn't lost any of his intensity. I quickly tore my eyes away before they got trapped in his   
forever, the way they were liable to. Before he saw everything in my soul.  
  
The day passed quickly. Being stoned does have that effect on you. Was it a bad one?  
Of course, I was still in my seat when the last bell rang and the other kids streamed out the door.  
I just doodled in my notebook, waiting for the long detention hour to finish.  
  
It took me a while to notice that I wasn't the only student left in the class. I looked up at the corner  
of my eye, noticing Sakura and Li talking to the teacher.  
God it hurt. Love turn to hatred...  
  
I lowered my eyes, pretending to concentrate on the drawing as I eavesdropped. At least I didn't  
have to feel guilty--they were talking about me.  
  
"Li, I am deeply concerned about her. Her marks are dropping rapidly, and they shouldn't be, I know  
that much. She is a very bright girl, and her grades last year reflected that. I'm not sure if it's just  
that she doesn't understand the stuff, or if it's something else, but could you please try to help her?"  
  
"I'll try, Mr. Yoshina."  
"It's very strange, that she just doesn't seem to care anymore, about anything. Several detentions  
have had no effect on her whatsoever. Do you know what could be wrong?"  
  
Li shook his head. "I don't know, sir, really. I just don't know what goes on with her anymore."  
Because you never took the time to find out, I thought bitterly. You never cared at all. You never  
understood me.  
  
You never even tried....  
  
"Her behavior has come to the point of unacceptable, yet I can't help but feel it's a cry for help..."  
the teacher continued.  
Something inside me snapped, and I think I know what caused it. In the last year, one thing I have  
prided myself on was not needing anybody.  
  
"Excuse me, you are being kind of loud for people who planned on carrying on a secret   
conversation," I said out loud, glaring at them as they turned to look at me. I could feel the sardonic  
smile creep across my face. "Besides, some people are trying to work."  
  
"Oh really?" remarked Mr.Yoshina. "And what are you working on?"  
I laughed inwardly, silent cold laughter. I never noticed how much I really craved these standoffs.  
"Let's just call it forms of art," I giggled. Barely paying attention to the sheer icy sound of my own  
laughter. I barely paid attention to anything about me anymore.  
  
I faked going back to my "work". Li and Sakura left, but not after casting me hurt and confused  
looks. Now that really burned me. How in the world had I hurt them? The only one around who'd  
have the right to throw hurt looks was me..if I hadn't lost the ability to show emotion to them long  
ago.  
  
The hour was finally over. At the stroke of four, I shoved my books into my backpack and raced  
out the door, not bothering with a goodbye to Mr. Yoshina.  
I escaped from the school as if running for my life. My God, that place was like a prison.   
If the law really wants to punish criminals, they should send them to that place, I thought. Now I  
chuckled aloud; no one around to hear me.  
So glad it was Friday.  
  
I stopped against a grove of trees and leaned against one of them, contemplating. Usually, I prefer-  
red getting high with Raku and the others, but today had been extra hard on me, I didn't think I   
could wait.  
  
He won't mind, I thought, pulling the plastic bag out of my backpack and shaking out a few of the  
contents. Besides, I think he'll love it if I show up high.  
  
After taking the drugs, I continued on to the park, in a dreamy bliss. I was going to meet them, to  
see him again..the one I owed everything to.  
I started running, got there in ten minutes. He was leaning against the penguin slide..oh, he looked  
so cool, composed, just standing there...waiting for me.  
  
I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as I stared at him in adoration, in complete worship.   
"Raku!" I shouted, running to him. He turned and laughed when he saw me, jumping into his arms.  
"Hey, Mei-chan."  
I'd die for him right then if he'd only call me Mei-chan forever...  
  
Raku.  
I owed him my life, my world...my soul. And I would gladly give him all three, but it wouldn't make  
up for what he'd done to me.  
  
  
  
  
  
***Flashback***  
  
  
  
~Normal POV~  
  
  
  
The rain pounded down hard, all around her as she sat under the cherry blossom tree, hugging  
her knees to he body in a tight coil. She withdrew from the rain, burying her face in her arms, but  
she refused to move.   
  
And nothing could take away the wetness on her face. Or the pain in her heart.  
  
She raised her head and looked around the somber park. "Why am I here?" she whispered. Why  
in the world had she come to this spot especially, right after school, and continued to sit even  
after knowing the risk she ran of being struck by lightning.  
  
"That's strange; I was about to ask you the exact question," said a voice from behind her.  
Meiling's eyes went wide; she shot up and whirled around in a fighting stance, ready to take on  
whoever had just invaded her privacy, whether he was good or bad.  
  
"Hey, hey, chill." The boy held up his hands, surrendering already.  
At least it meant he wasn't bad. Meiling put her arms down and stared at him curiously through  
the downpour. "Who do you think you are?"  
  
He had black curly hair, which was now slightly flat as the wet strands framed his face. He looked  
to be about sixteen. Large, green eyes stared into her own crimson ones as he flashed a sheepish  
smile, a dimple appearing in his right cheek.  
  
The dimple she would come to live for..  
  
"Sorry, I guess that was kinda rude of me, huh?" he admitted.  
Meiling raised an eyebrow. "Maybe just a little," she replied sarcastically, before catching herself.  
Why was she out here, talking to a total stranger? Why had she even bothered responding? Why  
hadn't she just turned around and left right then?  
  
Maybe she should have. But she wouldn't see it that way for a long time...  
  
"So, I should introduce myself." The boy smiled. "My name's Raku. What's yours?"  
"Meiling," she answered quietly. This was getting crazier by the minute. What was it about this  
guy? He certainly couldn't compare to....and yet...  
  
"So, Meiling, now that we know each other," Raku continued, then he stopped, studying her.   
"What's wrong?"  
"What?" Meiling replied defensively, not realizing that the teardrops on her face weren't disguised  
well by the raindrops.  
  
"Well, for one thing, you're crying," Raku pointed out. "For another, it's practically a storm out here  
and you're sitting under a tree. I mean, you could be killed."  
"Well, I know that," Meiling told him, annoyed.  
  
The sky rumbled again, and Raku looked up, then grabbed her arm. "Come on, I know a place we  
can sit the storm out," he said, pulling her along.  
  
She never knew why she didn't try to resist. She trusted him?...  
  
They came to an abandoned shack that she and Sakura had explored once on a Cardcaptoring   
mission...her eyes flooded as she desperately tried to ward off the memories.  
Raku leaned against the wall as Meiling watched his profile. Curiouser and curiouser...  
  
"So what's wrong, girl?" Raku asked her again.  
Meiling leaned against the opposite wall, looking down at the hardwood floor. There was no point  
in pretending that her face was only wet because of the rain--the raindrops had evaporated, the  
tears had remained.  
  
"Raku," she began quietly. "Uh..."   
She struggled for a way to explain it properly; the story just poured out in a jumbled mess.  
Raku was watching her in sympathy, but thankfully not pity. "You poor kid," he mumbled. "I think  
it's awful what your supposed 'friends' are doing to you."  
  
Meiling looked up at him in surprise. This was one point of view she hadn't ever heard. "What do  
you mean?"  
"Your friends know that you've liked this guy for ages, that you're engaged to him for God's sake.  
And then this girl shows up, and everyone decides that they're the perfect couple, but not even  
bothering to consider your feelings. Those are some nice friends you've got."  
  
She'd never thought of it that way before, ever. She'd never dreamed that Li had purposely hurt  
her...she was still in love with him wholly, probably even more than before. The heart always longed  
for what it could never have.  
  
But then strains of memory came back..the way Sakura and Li would act around each other, long  
before admitting it to themselves, or anyone else. The way he had constantly put up with her, when  
his heart had never been with her at all. Like a mindless pawn in a chess game. The way she'd  
found out on her own...the crushing realization....  
  
When had they become his favourite? Why hadn't I noticed?......  
  
He never even tried....  
  
"He led me on for weeks," she told Raku bitterly. "No, not weeks, years. He let me believe we still  
had a chance. Let me continue thinking like the idiotic naive person I was, when he couldn't even  
be a man for once in his life anad just told me what he felt for her..."  
  
Tears were running rapidly down her face as she released the innermost, bitter thoughts that had  
been in her mind through it all. They were the meanest things she'd ever said about Li...but they  
were all true, she insisted silently.   
Yet she knew she would do it all over again, just if it meant he would be hers, and hers only...  
  
Raku was watching her silently, he'd come closer. "This has really hit hard and fast, hasn't it?" he  
murmured. Meiling could only nod.  
"Well, I think I have something that can help you," he said cheerfully.  
  
Meiling watched him wide-eyed, and a little more than skeptically. "Is it a knife in the back?" she   
asked, not sure if she was serious or not. It was the only thing she could think of that would take  
the pain away.  
  
Raku smirked at her. "It's a little less cruder than that," he told her, pulling out what looked like  
a cigarette. On closer inspection, she realized it was actually pot. Her eyes went even huger.  
  
Drugs were completely forbidden by the word of the Li Clan, and Meiling had been taught all her  
life, even here in Japan, that they were a terrible thing to do, they did terrible things to you...  
But no one ever mentioned them being able to stop pain, Meiling thought.  
  
Raku saw her hesitation. "I know you've always been taught that these things were bad for you,"  
he told her reassuringly. "But they really can help. I went through something like you did too, a  
couple years ago. Except I had real friends on my side."  
  
Meiling stared into his green eyes, feeling almost an instant kindred bond with him. "And?"  
"Nothing else works like these." He winked, then lit one and handed it to her.  
She took it cautiously, holding it between two fingers. "I don't even know how to do this," she  
muttered.  
  
Raku gladly demonstrated, and Meiling followed what he did.  
  
From the first puff, there was no going back....  
  
  
  
***Flashback Ends***  
  
  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
He took away the pain. He gave me a life again.  
How do you repay someone for that?  
  
Raku put me down, and we turned to the other members of the group.  
"You guys are too weird," said a pink haired girl of fifteen, Mikono. Or as we call her, just  
Miko. She was talking to Kamu and Chiko, both of them sixteen.  
  
"Hey, what took you so long to get here?" Chiko asked with a grin, turning to me.  
I rolled my eyes. "My dumb teacher kept me late," I explained.  
I guess they could tell I was already stoned, by the way Raku and Kamu glanced at each other.  
  
Miko stretched. "Teachers suck," she muttered. "They always complain about getting low  
wages, but you have to ask what they do to get paid for."  
I laughed; it just struck me as funny.  
  
Or maybe I was just uncomfortable. Which was strange, because these people were my new  
friends.  
  
"Word of advice, kiddo," Miko said. "Don't trust guys. They were only put on this earth for  
one reason." It was obvious she'd had a fight with the other two. She stood up from where she   
was sitting on the grass. "I gotta go, I have to get ready for the party tonight."  
  
"Hey, hang on, we haven't invited Mei-chan yet," Raku protested. I looked up at him,   
wondering what he was talking about.  
"You want to invite her? Are you sure?" demanded Kamu. "Isn't she a little too young?"  
  
I felt my face flush red, a rush of irritation coursing through me. So what if I was about  
two years younger than the others? I was still a teenager. And besides, I wasn't a naive  
little girl anymore.  
  
"So, will you come?" Raku asked, turningto me.  
I hesitated for a moment, remembering all the stories of teenage parties I'd heard. Sakura's  
brother had once told us just what went down at those parties. But he didn't do drugs...  
  
I shook my head and gave Raku a bright smile, pushing any thoughts of my former life down  
past my feet. "I'll come," I said.   
  
I would do anything for you..just please don't leave me too.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So here I was in my room, trying to find the perfect outfit to wear.  
I stared into the mirror, eyeing my figure critically in a shimmering red halter top and a black  
miniskirt.  
  
Obviously, it was not something the old me would have even looked at. But I wasn't the old me.  
I looked into the clear glass. A girl with hair dark as night swirling around her shoulders, and ruby  
eyes gone cold with time stared back at me.  
  
I cocked my head, giving myself a little half-smile. Then I giggled, happy that I'd found the perfect  
outfit. Raku would have to just die tonight when he saw me.   
I glanced to the side, at the plastic bag of cocaine on the table next to me. Absently, I smiled softly,  
deep in thought. Contemplating just how much my life had changed.  
  
Are you happy, though? asked that annoying voice in my head that just wouldn't shut up. But I shut  
it up with just one image of Raku. Yes, I was happy. Happy with him, happy with the drugs. They  
saved me, rescued me from the pain.  
  
Like a prince on a white horse, I thought dreamily.  
Funny. I had given up on fairy tales long ago. Did anyone need to guess that I was already high?  
  
Another memory came sliding back, not very pleasant, though. The time when Madison had found  
out what I was doing. Not that I really had cared what she thought, but her eyes had been so   
horrified, and I felt as if I really had done something wrong. She had begged me to stop what I was  
doing, to get help. I said I would stop, if only she wouldn't tell Li. The girl was so naive, though.  
Reminded me of me. Li hadn't found out...I hadn't stopped.  
  
Maybe I did care what *he* thought.  
Could I still be in love with someone like him, after all that had happened?  
  
He's manipulative, I thought furiously, tearing my gaze away from the drugs. He's insensitive. He  
doesn't care about me at all.  
Raku had told me so, he said he could tell. And Raku never lied to me.  
  
But I would have given up forever, just to be with you once....  
  
If you'd only known..  
  
I clenched my fists, furious with myself. I knew why Li hadn't wanted me, of course. I hadn't been  
good enough. There was something very wrong with me. And I had to keep Raku from finding out  
whatever it was. I couldn't lose him too...  
  
I took more drugs, until the pain was nothing but a dull thud somewhere in the back of my head.  
The demons had been put away for a while.  
I looked back into my mirror, loving the new shine in my eyes, the glow in my cheeks. I should be  
having a blast, I told myself firmly. It's Friday night, and you're going to a party!  
  
I giggled again, then bounded into my closet to choose the shoes I wanted to wear. I quickly decided  
on a pair of high black boots which matched my skirt. Then I put on a silver chain belt.  
I look so hot! I thought in ecsatesy. Wait till Raku saw me.  
  
I barely remembered to hide the cocaine back in it's spot, reminding myself what could happen if  
Wei came in. Or worse yet, Li...  
  
Then I flounced out of my room, and was about to race down the stairs when I heard voices that  
made me stop so abruptly I almost fell over.  
  
"So, she's supposed to meet us when?" demanded Li from the front room downstairs. Then I  
recognized Sakura's laugh. "Relax Li, Madison'll be here. She's probably just running a little behind."  
  
They hadn't noticed me yet. I slowly, silently backed into my room, quietly closing the door behind  
me tightly.   
I sighed in immense relief. Oh my God, that was so close, I cried silently. I'd been about to walk past  
the two of them...in what I was wearing..  
  
The thought made me burst out in laughter, I had to muffle my voice with a pillow. But the idea of  
the scene that could have happened..it was hilarious. Li would've blown a major fuse, and I doubt  
it would have been as amusing to him, though.  
  
I searched my room hurriedly, getting serious. I couldn't go out there dressed like this. The questions  
would never stop. They might find out...and after I'd worked so hard to keep them out of my life.  
Sifting through my closet, I pulled out a black jacket. It was pretty long, so at least it would cover the  
halter top. Maybe if I was able to get out fast enough, they might not even notice the miniskirt or  
boots.  
  
I yanked on the jacket, grabbed my purse, and dashed out of my room, closing the door firmly   
behind me. I halted at the staircase for a minute, then made a big sound of coming down the  
steps. So they knew I was there.  
  
I tried speedwalking past them. I was almost so close to the door when they noticed me and looked  
up. "Oh hi Meiling," Sakura greeted happily.  
I cringed at the sound of her voice, then forced myself to keep an even face as I turned around. Just  
keep the answers short and stupid, and you'll get out of here faster, I instructed myself.  
  
"Hello."  
"Glad we caught you, Meiling," Sakura continued, giving that ever-bright smile of hers.   
The smile that seemed to light up the world...light up his world...  
I steeled myself against the thought, realizing that Sakura was asking me something.  
  
"...and we were wondering if you'd like to come along?"  
I blinked. "To what?" I asked in confusion.  
Li raised an eyebrow at me. "To the Summer Festival, which is what we just told you," he pointed  
out. "It used to be your favourite."  
  
Love turned to hate.....his voice still sent chills down my spine, but they were of the opposite kind.  
Hatred, because no matter what, my heart still ever belonged to him, and he couldn't care less.  
I remembered how the Festival used to be the one that I would look forward to all year. Roller coasters,  
game booths, the Ferris wheel in the summer nights...  
  
Now just the thought of it was nauseating. Just as the thought of everything else I used to love was.  
And the pop music they would play, pop had once been my favourite type of music. But now I could  
hardly bear to hear a pop song on the radio without throwing up. I wanted to rush to the bathroom  
and throw up right now just at the thought of it, and I must have shuddered visibly because they  
both looked at me funny.  
  
Besides, now I liked heavy metal, all the way. And it was Raku's favourite, too.  
  
"Meiling, you okay?"  
I was getting soo sick of that phrase. I just glared at them. They were wasting my time, I was   
going to be late. "The Summer Festival?" I heard the taunting note in my voice. "Oh puh-lease. I'll  
go, if I feel like getting really sick. Love to, we'll really have to do it sometime, but I've got better  
things to do now."  
  
Li met my gaze with one just as heated. "Meiling, there really is something wrong with you. Your  
attitude really stinks." He looked at me closer. "And just where are you going, anyway?"  
Now I was mad. But I was pretty sure that I would have been crushed, if I wasn't high, because the  
pain did react when he actually said the words.  
  
There is something wrong with you....  
  
"None of your business, so mind your own," I snapped back at him, whirling to the doorway. "When  
you show me your birth certificate with the name Meiling Rae on it, I'll listen. But for now, it's my  
life."  
  
I yanked open the door, coming face to face with Madison, who was just about to ring the doorbell.  
She stared at me in surprise. "Hi Meiling," she said. "Are you coming to the festival with us?"  
  
I sighed in annoyance. "Is there something about the words 'Leave Me Alone' that people just don't  
get around here?" I demanded, then pushed my way past her. Once again ignoring her hurt look.  
  
I was already late, I thought worriedly, running down the streets. The condo that the party was being  
held in wasn't too far away from my place, which was why I was walking. It didn't take long to get  
there, about fifteen minutes.  
  
There was no doubt, when I got to the tenth floor, that I was on the right floor. The music was  
pulsating all the way down the hall, from room 503. Right place. The door was open when I pushed  
it in, and I went inside.  
  
The air was thick with the smoke from about thirty different drugs. I had to summon all my willpower  
to keep from coughing, but that would just make me seem like even more of a baby. And that was  
something I definetely did not need. I was already the youngest kid there, everyone had to be at least  
sixteen and over.  
  
The music was so loud, I could already feel myself getting a headache. Something inside me screamed  
for me to get out of there now, before it was too late. Raku, I reminded myself. The name said it all.  
I pressed on ahead, finally making it out of the front hall. I was already smelling of alcohol; it was  
like everyone was holding a mug of beer.  
  
I made my way to the living room, where the music seemed to get louder. Furniture was pushed   
aside, people were doing some sort of attempt of dancing. It was weird, they kept falling all over  
each other. Well, they seemed like they were having fun. Raku wasn't there, and I got swept along  
with the crowd, landing in the sitting room.  
  
It was a little quieter in here, less people. My eyes searched the dark room, which was still heavy  
with smoke like all the other rooms. And then I spotted him.  
And he wasn't alone either.  
  
I narrowed my eyes in disbelief at the blond who was wrapped all over Raku, my eyes going wide  
as they leaned in for a kiss.  
  
No...it couldn't be happening again. It couldn't be...not on the most wonderful night on my life, it was  
supposed to be the greatest night..I would remember it forever..  
  
"Raku!" I called out, running over to him. The blond quickly jumped away from him as they both   
looked up. "What's going on?" I wanted to know, in a quiet voice.  
"Meiling, you made it," said Raku with a smile.   
  
He looked genuinely happy to see me. I looked at the blond curiously. Raku followed my gaze and  
chuckled. "Don't worry Meiling, I'm just helping her out with a part she's doing in a play," he   
explained.  
  
"That's right," the blond said quickly, smiling sweetly at me. "Tryouts are next week, so Raku's just  
practicing with me."  
I looked from one to the other. I wanted to believe them, desperately, so badly...so I did.  
  
I nodded, and smiled. "It's okay," I told them.  
They both grinned at me, then the blond waved and walked off.   
I turned to Raku as he pulled me onto his lap. And I felt so safe, so secure..  
"Glad you made it, Mei-chan," he murmured, handing me a shot of cocaine. "What took you so   
long?"  
  
"Li held me back for a while," I explained apologetically. "They wanted me to go to the Summer  
Festival with them." I rolled my eyes to indicate what I'd thought of the idea.   
Raku grinned, his cheek dimpling in that way. "Glad to see you don't still play in the sandbox,"  
he remarked, and I was soooo glad he shared my opinion.  
  
Another song came on, a slow one, and Raku stood up, gently pulling me with him. "Wanna dance?"  
he asked.  
As if I could have said no.  
  
The night really was the best one of my life. It was like being in a fairy world where everything   
was, and always would be, just right. I even forgot about Li for a few moments here and there.  
Raku and I danced and played around, and just had fun.  
  
And of course, I just got higher and higher as the night progressed. I took so much cocaine, pot,  
I even tried beer, but I didn't like the taste. But then Raku handed me a glass of wine...once again,  
I was hooked. He always knew how to solve everything.   
  
I honestly thought that, after endless pain and suffering for the past year, I'd finally been given my  
taste of heaven. And I never wanted to leave, I wanted to spend eternity just right here, with him.  
  
Who would have guessed that the night would take such an ugly turn?   
  
Raku and I had just stepped off the dance floor, after a blissful few moments dancing to Creed (the  
best band, in my opinion). Raku led me over to a chair in the sitting room, placing me on his lap as  
I leaned comfortably against him. He handed me yet another cigarette of pot, and I took it. How had  
getting high ever gotten such a bad reputation? I wondered absently.   
Raku began rubbing circles over my bare shoulders, sending a tingle catapulting down my spine.  
"Are you happy, Mei-chan?" he murmured.  
  
Like he had to ask. All I could do was simply nod my head dreamily.   
"Are you glad you came to the party?"  
Another nod. I felt myself falling asleep, but through the haze, I felt Raku's hands slipping farther  
down my back...and slightly over my front. And I liked it, I really did...but I sort of didn't like it, too.  
But I was too far gone to notice.  
  
"Then I'm glad too, Mei-chan. I like you. Do you like me?"  
"Yeah..." I mumbled. My mind whispered a warning as his hands slid farther down my front. Problem  
was, I hadn't listened to my mind all day.  
  
"Do you love me?"  
I suddenly snapped to attention as he said those words. Of course I liked Raku. I would live and die  
for him. But could I love him?....  
  
I hate you Li, I thought suddenly in fury. I hate you. Because you have my heart. And I can't give it  
to Raku, who'll do better things with it than you did. Tears sprang to my eyes.   
  
And I'd still give up my soul to meet you again...  
  
Why do I still love you? And how do I manage to hate you at the same time?  
  
Luckily, I didn't have to answer, because this guy suddenly interrupted us, announcing that he was  
showing something in the kitchen.  
  
I dragged Raku to the kitchen, mostly because I didn't want to answer his question, but I was also  
curious, a little. "What's that, Raku?" I asked, gesturing to the sticks of white powder the guy was  
handing out. It looked a lot like cocaine  
  
"It's heroin," he replied. "That guy's the major dealer of the stuff in town."  
I blinked, turning back to the guy, who'd finished with everyone gathered around him. He came over  
to us. "Hey Raku, how's it goin'?" he greeted.  
  
Raku slapped him a high five, then took one of the sticks of heroin from him. The guy turned to me.  
"You wanna try some too, babe?"  
  
Raku looked concerned. "I don't know," he said. "It's pretty strong stuff, Meiling, you sure?"  
I looked from him, to the stick of heroin. I shrugged. "Why not?" It didn't seem to be hurting Raku  
in any way.  
  
The guy laughed. "She sure is a brave kid," he commented, grinning as he handed me the heroin.  
I took it. It was as if all my senses exploded, and melded into one. For a moment, the world seem  
to blur, the ground tilt beneath my feet.  
  
Then my vision cleared. Actually, it was as if my sight had sharpened. And I felt so powerful, like I  
could do anything, as if I were a vampire. Well, at least I wasn't craving blood.  
One word to describe it. Incredible.  
  
Raku was smiling at me. "Wow, it sure seemed to work faster on you than on most people," he  
remarked. "How do you feel?"  
I slowly blinked as both he and the other guy watched me. "It's amazing," I whispered in awe.  
The guy winked at Raku. "I knew you'd like it," he replied.  
Raku grinned at me. "Whatever you want, Mei-chan."  
  
Raku waved goodbye to the guy as he turned around to hand out more heroin. Raku was guiding   
me back toward the sitting room when I started hearing the pounding. A steady beat, like drums.  
"What's that sound?" I asked Raku absently.  
  
He glanced at me. "You mean the music?" he wanted to know.  
I shook my head. The action made the world seem to tilt again. "No, it's like beating drums." I knew  
it couldn't be the music, because the song that was playing had no drum sounds in it.  
  
Raku was watching me worriedly. "I don't hear anything, Meiling," he told me. "Are you sure you're  
okay?"  
  
The drums had blended into a new sound, like a rushing waterfall, pounding right in my ears. "Now  
it's a waterfall," I murmured, hearing how dazed my voice was. I was feeling really strange now,  
kind of sick. The rush just got louder.  
  
"Meiling? You're...not okay, are you?" Raku was really worried now. "Just hang on, I'll get you to lie  
down."  
We entered the sitting room, and he laid me down on the couch. But it wasn't working. I felt cold  
all over, goosebumps were actually appearing on my arms. At the same time, I was sweating. And  
the pounding and the rush...they just kept getting louder.  
  
I heard some people calling my name, but the sounds faded away, just as the rest of the world did,  
into darkness.  
  
  
  
~Li's POV~  
  
  
  
"I told you you'd win, Madison," Sakura told her best friend happily as we walked down the street  
toward my house.  
"Yeah, I gotta admit you've got a pretty good voice," I added.  
Madison was clearly embarressed as she put the medal into her backpack.  
  
"Pretty good?" Sakura corrected me. "She won first place."  
"Well, it was fun," Madison admitted as we walked through the front door. "But singing isn't really  
one of my favourite things. I like dancing better...and videotaping," she added quickly, pulling out  
her camcorder.  
  
"This was such a great day," she gushed. "And I got it all on tape, to watch forever and ever."  
Sakura and I rolled our eyes in unison. I left a sweatdropping Sakura to deal with her crazy best  
friend as I went over to the staircase, peering up the stairs to see if there was any sign that Meiling  
was home or not.   
  
She wasn't; there wasn't a sound from upstairs.  
That was strange, it was almost 11:00 at night. Wei wasn't home either, but he was on a business  
trip, he'd be coming home tomorrow. But where could Meiling be, where she was staying out so  
late? She had broken off all contact with the rest of the group, despite all our efforts.  
  
I looked down, leaning against the wall as I contemplated what I'd just thought. No matter what we'd  
tried, Meiling had simply just slipped away from us all, from everything that had ever mattered to  
her, sinking deeper into the dark pit that had taken her away. Apparently, she wasn't even writing   
home to China anymore; my sisters had written me several letters complaining about the fact.  
  
And the Meiling I had known my whole life...had disappeared a long time ago, and I definetly didn't  
like what had replaced her. My cousin seemed as if she had been possessed by some sort of demon..  
the worst kind, the ones that got inside your head and wouldn't let go. The one that had gotten to  
her had to have been from an icy hell.  
  
She was now the opposite of everything she had once stood for. She had even rebelled against the  
Li Clan. All the things that had once brought her so much joy, she now seemed repulsed by. Her  
birthday had gone almost unnoticed this year, something she would have hated fiercely just over a  
year ago.  
  
The spirit of endless fire, which had reflected in her bright, crimson eyes had snuffed out, leaving a  
cold block of ice in its wake. Emotion had long since been void in her eyes.  
  
And....was it my fault?..  
  
"You might have understood me, had you only taken the chance to."  
  
Something she'd told me the night she had cut her hair, on one of the few occasions she would talk  
to me. I realized then that she was really gone forever.  
  
I don't think anyone guessed that she would react to the news so hard, that it would affect her in a  
way like this. I'd always thought that all she had was a childhood crush on me.  
But why hadn't I noticed just how long the "crush" had lasted. Six years...I hated to think that I'd  
been so insensitive.  
  
I loved Sakura with my entire soul, she meant everything to me. There was a light in her, a spirit  
like no other I've ever seen.  
But my cousin was still special, she was my best friend. Or had been. It's hard to be best friends with  
someone who never talks to you.   
  
If we could just reach her..I want the old Meiling back.  
Something I'd have died before saying just over a year ago.  
  
I felt a hand on my shoulder, turned around to stare into identical emerald pools. "It wasn't your  
fault, Li," Sakura told me softly. She looked down. "I think if it was anybody's, it was mine."  
I shook my head firmly, feeling a little worried. Remembering the time about a year ago, when  
Sakura hadn't been able to stop blaming herself to what had happened to Meiling. I didn't think  
she'd ever forgive herself. Even now, she'd still insist it was her fault. And Meiling hadn't exactly  
done much to change that viewpoint.  
  
"It was not your fault, Sakura," I told her. Then I looked down. "I wish we knew what's been going  
on in her mind lately, maybe then we could help her."  
Sakura put her arms around me and hugged me tightly, so I hugged her back. Then we heard a  
giggle from the doorway.  
  
No surprise that it was Madison, pointed her videocamera straight at us. "Okay you two, hold that  
position..it's perfect," she told us between her fits of laughter.  
I walked up to her and turned the videocamer off. "Hey," she protested.  
  
"Madison, aren't there other things you can videotape in this world?" Sakura demanded in annoyance.  
"No!"  
"Sakura, would you keep her under control?" I asked her, tugging on one of her honey-auburned  
pigtails. "I've got to check the messages."  
  
Trying to block out the sound of the two best friends arguing, I picked up the phone. There were  
two messages. One was from Wei, reminding us he'd be home tomorrow. The other was from the  
hospital.  
  
Wait a minute. The hospital?  
I suddenly got a very bad feeling, cold and foreboding. The call had been from a local hospital,   
meaning that it couldn't have been something that happened to Wei....  
  
"It's none of your business, so mind your own! When you show me your birth certificate with the  
name Meiling Rae on it, I'll listen, but for now, it's my life."  
Just where had she gone tonight?  
  
I walked back to the other two, who had given up on being mad at each other. Sakura read my  
expression instantly. "Who were the messages from?"  
I shrugged. "Just from Wei," I replied. I didn't want to worry anybody, especially since I didn't know  
why the hospital had called. Maybe someone just needed a checkup.  
  
Somehow, I knew as soon as I thought it that it wasn't true at all.  
Madison obviously didn't believe me any more than Sakura did, but she let it go. "Hey, is Meiling  
home yet?" she asked, going over to the staircase.  
  
"I doubt it," I told her, shaking my head. "But she might just be asleep. I wouldn't go up and check  
though, if I were you."  
Madison nodded slowly, knowing just what I meant. Like all the other things that she used to adore,  
and now couldn't stand, Meiling recoiled from us harshly. It was easy to see in the ice that would  
always appear in her eyes when she saw us.  
  
When she saw me, which hurt a lot, too. But nothing was simple about Meiling anymore, the ice  
was there year-round anyhow.  
Which gave me an awful understanding of how she now saw the world.  
The phone rang, so I went to go pick it up as Madison changed the subject by talking about digital  
something-or-other.  
  
"Hello?"  
"Yes, is this where Meiling Rae lives?" asked a woman on the other side.  
I frowned in confusion. "Yeah, why?"  
"This is Tomoeda Central hospital. We called to inform you that Meiling Rae was brought in  
just under an hour ago."  
  
Now I felt cold, all over. The foreboding sense flared into the awful I-was-right one.  
"What?" I gasped. "Why?"  
"She was suffering from a drug overdose," the nurse said.  
  
I know that my face must have gone deadly pale, because Sakura and Madison immediately came  
closer, fear etched in their expressions.  
"She didn't...did she..?"   
Thankfully, the nurse knew what I was trying to say. "I highly doubt it was a suicide attempt," she  
told me. I winced inwardly as the word connected with my cousin.  
"We didn't detect any type of pill in her body, but there were several other types of drugs that could  
have killed her just as easily."  
  
"But that's crazy. Meiling doesn't do drugs," I told the nurse. Forgetting to mention that I didn't   
really know what Meiling did anymore. But even she would know to draw the line at drugs..right?  
Apparently not. Was it just me, or did Madison's eyes go even wider in fear?  
  
"I'm sorry, but our tests indicate just the opposite," the nurse answered. "It was a miracle she  
even made it here, much less survive. The amount in her bloodstream was astonishing." She  
paused. "She's stable now, though. Would you like to come see her now, or would you prefer to  
wait until-"  
  
"I'll be there in a few minutes," I cut her off, already hanging up the phone.  
Sakura was watching me wide-eyed. "What happened to Meiling?" she wanted to know.  
"She's in the hospital, they said it's a drug overdose."  
  
Madison gasped. "Oh no, Meiling," she cried. She spun on her heel and ran out the front door.   
Sakura and I could barely catch up. That girl definetly knew something I didn't.  
"Did she..try to.." Sakura obviously couldn't get the words out any more than I had been able to.  
I shook my head in response. Suicide was a word I'd never be able to connect to her.  
  
But of course, drug addict had been, too. And if anything, that was worse...  
  
We made it to the hospital in record time, dashing past the waiting room and up to the front desk.  
"Where's Meiling Rae?" I demanded.  
The nurse on duty blinked in surprise, then consulted her clipboard.  
  
"Oh, she's the one who was brought in for a drug overdose," she murmured, and I recognized the  
voice on the telephone. "She's in her room now, on the tenth floor. Come on, I'll take you there."  
Quickly asking another nurse to cover for her, she led us over to the elevator. "She should be  
awake, but she's in the intensive care ward, and we think we should keep her there for a while."  
  
"What happened?" cried Sakura. "How did she end up here, and why?"  
We got into the elevator. "She was brought into the ER, suffering from a critical overdose. It was  
amazing the types of drugs she had in her bloodstream, much less the amount. It was also surprising,  
to say the least, considering her age. One of the boys that brought her in mentioned she was  
fourteen."  
  
"What?" I demanded. "She's thirteen, she just had her birthday."  
The nurse's eyes went wide, and she glanced at the sheet again. "Well, that changes a lot, and  
explains more, too," she muttered. "But in some cases, it's worse. The drugs she had in her   
bloodstream; pot, cocaine, alcohol, all at high levels. She even had some heroin, and I suspect that   
might have been the clincher, since one of the guys said that it was right after she took it that she  
started to feel strange, and passed out a few minutes later. The heroin must have reacted faster  
than it normally would have because of her age."  
  
The words were hardly registering in my mind, but I was hearing every one of them.  
Meiling...  
Why hadn't I seen the depression she had fallen into? It was much deeper, much worse than I,  
any of us, had ever guessed. Even with day after day of seeing her dark attitude, her cold  
exterior, her bleak point of view about life..but we never could have guessed that she would turn  
to this.....  
  
To escape reality..  
"I hate mornings. They're the worst reminder of a terrible reality."  
I should have known, the day she'd said those words. Especially since she used to practically live to  
see sunrises.  
  
How could you, I asked silently.   
I was angrier with myself. Why hadn't I noticed sooner? Was it really so hard to tell when somebody  
was stoned? All those times in class, the dinner table at home..  
  
Stoned. It seemed like such an ugly, forsaken word. Linked to my cousin..my once best friend...  
How could I ever have known that one day I would have to save her, of all people, from herself?  
  
My fault?....  
  
Sakura was looking completely stunned. Madison, on the other hand, seemed horrified. The nurse  
was continuing. "Most of these are street drugs, so we're certain enough that she must have been  
at some sort of party. Yet all those boys that came in were underage, so the police have been called  
to the address where the party was."  
  
She paused, watching us carefully. "I take it by your expressions that you didn't know about any of  
this?" she questioned. I shook my head.  
"Well, she was a very lucky girl this time. But the overall effects on her body show that she must  
have been doing drugs for a long time, maybe a year."  
  
Maybe a year...my poor cousin. Did she even know what she'd gotten herself into?  
And what did you do to help? asked a bitter voice in my head. If anything, I'd pushed her to do   
it.  
  
"She has a serious drug problem," the nurse informed us. "And if she doesn't stop soon, her luck's  
going to run out eventually."  
We got off the elevator, began walking down the white, sterile hallway. As we approached the room,  
she told us that Meiling had been asking for us, then instructed us to go right in.  
  
We filed in, one at a time. A pale girl in a white hospital gown with raven, shoulder-length hair was  
sitting up in bed, too busy making a face at the nurse who had her back turned to notice us. She  
finally heard our footsteps and turned to face us as the nurse walked out.  
  
"Oh. Hey," she muttered.  
Sakura went right up to her bedside. "Meiling, are you alright?" she cried, her eyes flooding with  
tears.  
  
"Meiling, you've got a lot of explaining to do," I told her in a quiet voice, meeting her gaze. And for  
once, I noticed that there was no ice in them...but an incredible weariness, and something else  
I couldn't quite place my finger on.  
  
Before Meiling could even respond to that, Madison raced around to the other side of the bed,  
surprising us all. "Meiling, how could you?" she cried. "You said you wouldn't do this anymore!"  
Sakura's eyes went wide as we both whirled to look at her. "Madison, you knew?" she cried.  
  
Meiling tried to glare at the silver-midnight haired girl, but she was obviously too tired to put the  
full power into her gaze. "You promised you wouldn't tell," she muttered. Madison glared right  
back, ignoring Sakura and I. " *You* promised you'd stop," she countered, tears pooling in her  
violet eyes.  
  
Meiling glanced out the window. "Good point," she murmured.   
I stepped closer to my cousin. "Meiling, how could you?" I demanded, in the same quiet voice.  
I was really furious at her, although even more so at myself. And I was also scared...of what  
might have happened.  
  
Meiling sat up straighter and glared right back at me, much harsher than she had to Madison.  
For some reason, I was reminded of the moment over a year ago, when she'd handed me  
her engagement ring. The look in her eyes, although different from now, seemed strangely  
similar.  
  
"I don't have to explain a thing to you, Li Syaoran," she hissed, giving me an icy poison-dart   
look. An expression I'd never seen on her before, and had to wonder just how far her   
transformation had gone.  
  
"You've got a lot to explain," I retorted. "How could you do this, and to yourself? You know  
drugs are forbidden in the Li Clan, and you could have-"  
She broke her gaze and looked down at the pale white sheets of the hospital. "Tradition  
just screws you over in the end," she almost whispered.  
There was more than one meaning behind the words.  
  
I didn't bother taking the time to decipher the riddle. "You could have been killed!" I told  
her angrily. "You have any idea how lucky you were?"  
She jumped to her knees, barely staying on the bed. "Don't talk to me about luck!" she shouted  
shrilly. "You have no idea what it's like! What it's been like. Don't ever call *me* lucky!"  
  
Madison and Sakura were watching her in shock, as was I. I've never in my whole life ever  
seen her so out of control...it was slightly frightening to watch.  
"You think I actually want to spend time in this reality? I hate this life, I hate you! Just go away!  
Where's Raku?"  
  
"Raku?" I repeated, forgetting my previous anger. I knew about him, he went to the high  
school, was a major player, leader of the drug gang...about three years older than Meiling..  
I finally put the pieces together.  
  
"You're still seeing him, Meiling?" Madison asked softly. "You said you'd stop..."  
Sakura looked at Madison. "Just how much did she tell you?" she demanded.  
  
I wanted to know to. And I was slightly hurt that my cousin hadn't told *me*..but it wasn't  
as bad as the way she was lashing out at me.  
  
What exactly did this do to you?....  
  
Meiling turned her gaze to Madison. "I never said that," she grumbled. "I said it was my  
life."  
"And you almost ended it tonight!" Madison cried back. "Meiling, you really need help."  
  
Meiling sighed loudly, furiously, looking up at the ceiling. "No, what I need is for you to  
go away!" she practically screamed.  
She was getting really strung out, out of control...maybe even losing her mind. And all  
I could do was watch, because she wouldn't let us get anywhere near her.  
  
"You guys don't even really care," she shouted. "You're just here to torture me. Well, you've done  
it, so just go away...please..." It was as if all the energy had suddenly drained from her as she  
collapsed into a curled little ball back on the bed, shaking with tiny sobs.  
  
Sakura and Madison and I met each other's gazes, then mine drifted back to Meiling. She looked  
so fragile, helpless..it hurt so much to see her that way, remembering the old Meiling, who'd   
been so independant...full of life...  
  
This wasn't the ice queen version of Meiling either, but I think I'd rather have her. Who was she,  
now?  
  
"I'm not any of the Meilings you know anymore, Li," she said in a muffled, shaking voice, reading  
my mind. Then she raised her head and searched around for her purse. "Where's my stuff?" she  
demanded.  
  
Acting quickly, Sakura grabbed her purse out of her reach, putting it behind her. "No Meiling, you  
don't need that stuff anymore," she insisted. "We're going to help you. Whether you like it or not."  
Meiling stared at her incredulously. "Sakura, you'd better give it back now," she warned her angrily.  
"How would you know what I need? I told you, the only way you can help is just to go away!"  
  
Luckily, the nurse came back in right then, and nearly had a fit when she saw Meiling about to get  
out of bed. "Meiling! You have to get your rest, get back into bed!" she cried. Not giving Meiling the  
chance to argue, she pushed her back into the bed, resting her against the pillows.  
  
She turned back to one of the machines hooked up to Meiling. "Well, you really have to thank the  
boy who brought you in," she said brightly.   
My eyes narrowed, almost involuntarily as I thought of Raku. No doubt he was what created the  
person that had replaced my cousin, had corrupted her.  
  
"Do you know where he went?" I asked the nurse.  
Sakura was watching me. One look at me and by the sound of my voice, she knew instantly  
that I wasn't thinking of thanking Raku for anything.   
  
"What are you going to do, Li?" she demanded warily.  
"Find him and beat the crap out of him," I affirmed.  
  
I don't think I've ever seen Meiling spring to attention so fast. Then again, I'd never seen her do  
the things she was doing now.  
"No!" she shrieked, shooting up in the bed. Sakura and I whirled around, as Madison grabbed onto  
Meiling's arm. "Meiling-" she began.  
  
Madison maght as well have been a ghost. Meiling yanked her arm out of her grasp and leaped off  
the bed. Sakura had to steady her, and she glared at me in..I wasn't sure what it was. Her eyes  
were a blazing mixture of fire and ice.  
  
"You're not going to lay a finger on him," she hissed in fury, in hatred. "I won't let you!"  
I quickly got over my initial shock. "Meiling, look what he did to you!" I countered.  
"He didn't do anything to me!" she screamed. " *You* did this to me! And I won't forgive you! But  
Raku was there for me when no one else was, and if you want him, you'll have to go through me."  
  
I stared at her for a moment, finally realizing why she was like this. I could see it in her eyes, and  
in her manner...the total and complete dependence on Raku and the drugs she was suffering. And  
of course it didn't help that she had just crashed from one of her biggest highs ever.  
  
Meiling broke off the glaring contest as she turned to the nurse. "Do you know where he is?" she  
almost pleaded. "Please, I have to find him."  
The nurse was still looking surprised from her outburst, but she gently directed Meiling back to the  
bed. "No, I don't know where he went, but you have to get back to bed. You can't go anwhere in  
your condition. You can try to contact him when you get better, okay?" She pulled up the covers  
and then left.  
  
Meiling stared after her for a moment, then switched her gaze to us. Strangely, she seemed a bit  
more pacified, her eyes glazed over. "He'll come see me tomorrow," she said confidently.  
I glanced at Sakura, meeting her eyes. The way I knew Raku, if anything he would take this   
opportunity to cheat on Meiling as much as he could. The thought just made me even angrier.  
  
Madison knelt next to Meiling, on the other side of the bed. "Meiling-" she tried again.  
Meiling shook her head, sitting back up. "Go away you guys," she said evenly. "You're not helping;  
you're just making it worse. Don't pretend you care because I already know you don't. If you did  
I probably wouldn't be like this." She giggled slightly. "Although there are some things I should  
thank you for."  
  
I knelt next to my cousin as Sakura sat on the bed. "Meiling, listen.." she began.  
"You don't know what it's like," Meiling cried, pushing us away from her. "You don't know what  
it's like to be me, to change yourself as much as you can because you can't stand the girl you see  
in the mirror. And I hate this reality, I just want to leave it.." she looked at Sakura. "Give me back  
my stuff."  
  
"Meiling, your *stuff* isn't taking you to a new reality, it's taking you to a graveyard," Sakura cried,  
trying to get through to her.   
"So? It wouldn't be *this* reality, would it?" Tears brimmed in her eyes, as they widened, realizing  
what she'd just said.  
  
I got a huge chill as I realized the meaning. She couldn't really mean it, though. Not her....  
  
"You don't know what it's like."  
  
I wish she didn't have to know, either..  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
I had a huge headache. My chest hurt. And I think I was going crazy. I felt like I was slipping away,  
but from what?  
  
If they would just go away, I would have been fine. But they wouldn't. I'd tried begging, screaming,  
everything to get them to leave. I couldn't let them get any closer to me.  
But they wouldn't go. They just kept coming in closer. And I was terrified.  
  
Terrified as I stared into Li's eyes, when he came and sat on the hospital bed in front of me. I could  
already feel myself falling into the familiar trap of his intense amber eyes.  
I couldn't let him get to me again. He would tear open the wound, leave it raw and bleeding, and  
not care.  
  
Please don't make me fall again..  
  
Because I was still in love with him, and I knew I would crack soon.  
Why was he still here? Where are you, Raku? Please make him go away.  
  
I had already revealed more than I'd ever wanted to, that I hadn't even revealed to Raku. I shouldn't  
have...  
"Go away," I whispered, squeezing my eyes closed so I wouldn't have to look into his eyes. Then I  
wouldn't fall into the trap.  
  
To love you was the cruelest curse....  
Because angels were meant to be together. And I never could compare in any way..  
You never understood..  
  
"Meiling," he said gently. He could be so gentle when he wanted to. I had forgotten over time.  
"You can't go on like this, by yourself."  
  
"You're right, I can't," I said, crying. "My life's a joke, and I'm all by myself..."  
"You are not," Madison told me from my right side. I opened my eyes and looked at her. If there  
was anyone that I'd kept in some type of contact with from my old friends, it was her. She was the  
first one who'd known about the drugs, about my escape...  
But I never understood why she continuosly stuck with me, despite the way I would treat her.  
I couldn't figure out why they were all still here, even with everything I'd told them.  
  
And I didn't even remember half of the cruel words I'd said. Wow, this was one bad hangover.  
  
"You're not alone, Meiling," Sakura told me from my left side. "Remember how I told you we  
were a team? Well, we still are. Meaning you're still a part of it."  
  
I looked at the green-eyed girl...who'd stolen my first true love, taken him away. And I was about  
to make some kind of comment along the lines that teams also didn't steal one another's true loves...  
but I couldn't get the words out.  
  
Because as much as I wanted to hate her to the point of scratching her eyes out, she was still one  
of the greatest friends I had ever met in my life. Even if she didn't know that. And I wouldn't let her  
know.  
Besides, the only thing I could really blame for this was myself.  
  
"There's really something wrong with you."  
I just hadn't been enough.....  
  
I snapped out of my trance as Li suddenly pulled me into a hug. My eyes went wide as if I'd been   
struck, then I started struggling wildly. "No, please Li...just leave me alone.."  
Why wouldn't he listen?  
  
"I won't leave you again, Meiling," he promised. "I'm sorry for doing it the first time. But we're your  
friends. And we do care."  
"And we won't leave you alone through this," Sakura finished, grabbing one of my hands as Madison  
grabbed the other.  
  
I was trapped, held down from all sides, forced to listen to all their words. And so, not seeing any  
point in battling a losing fight anymore, I surrendered, letting myself go limp against Li, tears seeping  
down my cheeks and through his shirt. But I noticed this time that they were somehow real tears,  
instead of drops of crystalline ice.  
  
"Maybe I really am losing my mind," I whispered.  
  
  
  
~Li's POV~  
  
  
  
"She's finally asleep, Li," Sakura whispered, pointing to where Meiling's head was resting on   
Madison's lap.  
I nodded silently, watching her. She seemed to be much happier, and peaceful when she was  
asleep.  
  
Escape to another reality...  
  
Meiling had gone on endless searches to somehow escape the life she led. Although I suppose I  
should be grateful for a couple of things, that she hadn't realized the way of ending it permanently.  
Still, all she was doing was killing herself slowly..  
  
"Will she be okay?" I asked quietly.  
Sakura nodded slowly. "I think so. Her withdrawal from the drugs actually isn't that bad, if she   
managed to fall asleep, but..."  
  
"You're more worried about her withdrawal from this Raku guy, aren't you?" I finished her thought  
for her. Sakura bit down on her lip. "She's really dependent on him, but I know what a player he  
is..."  
  
Madison came over for a while. Sakura and I instantly turned on her.  
"Two things," I said in annoyance. "One, how long have you known about this and two, why didn't  
you tell us?"  
"Yeah Madison, you know this was serious, how could you keep it from us?" Sakura seconded.  
  
Madison actually took a step back. "I'm really sorry, you two. I'm sorry Li, I should have told you at  
least. But she made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you. She said she'd stop, and she'd get  
help..."  
"And you believed her?" I demanded, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Madison looked down. "I guess it was kind of dumb," she mumbled.   
I sighed. "She told you about Raku?"   
She nodded. "She said that he saved her life, saved her from herself when she'd needed it most.  
But when I asked if she really liked him--the way she liked you--she wouldn't answer. So that probably  
means the only thing between them is her dependence on him."  
  
I nodded, once again glancing toward my cousin. She seemed to be a little more agitated, so I guess  
her withdrawal was still plaguing her in her sleep.  
We would have to handle this one carefully. No matter what, I wasn't letting Meiling slip back into  
the clutches of her depression. But one wrong move, from Raku's side especially, could destroy her  
completely.  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
I'm not sure when and how I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes next, I was leaning on Madison's  
lap in the midst of the crumpled sheets, white sunlight streaming through the window.   
Madison smiled down at me. "Hey, how're you feeling?" she asked softly.  
  
"Like I've been hit by a train repeatedly," I mumbled, sitting up and holding my head. I wasn't kidding  
either, I had a killer headache and wanted to throw up. But I felt better than I had last night.  
Last night....  
  
"Maybe I really am losing my mind."  
  
I looked around the room. "Where are Sakura and Li?" I wanted to know, then blinked in surprise.  
It was the first time I had actually been able to refer to them together, without difficulty.  
Madison seemed to notice too, but she didn't mention it. "They went down to the cafeteria, they'll  
be back soon," she told me. "Do you feel like throwing up?"  
  
"How'd you know?" I asked, getting out of bed and walking over to the bathroom. I didn't bother  
shutting the door, I wanted to hear Madison's reply.   
"We saw the stats of all the alcohol you drank last night," Madison explained. "I didn't know you  
drank, too. You never told me."  
  
"I didn't know I did, either." I was done, and flushed the toilet. "I just had a couple glasses of wine,  
and one small beer."  
Madison shook her head. "How many glasses?" she demanded.  
I tried to remember, but I drew a blank. "I don't know," I admitted.  
  
Madison giggled. I sat back down on the bed and looked down. "I guess I really messed up last night,  
huh?" I murmured. "I set no limits for myself."  
Madison shook her head and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the bed. "You're still in love  
with him a lot, aren't you?"  
  
I looked out the window, as the sun rose slowly.   
"I hate mornings. They're the worst reminder of the worst reality."  
Was it me who'd said that? It didn't sound like something I would say. But it sounded like the new  
Meiling.  
  
And which one was I now?  
  
"It doesn't matter," I whispered.  
Madison studied me for a moment, then jumped up. She pulled something out of her bag, two hair  
elastics. I watched her warily. "What are you doing with those?"  
  
"I just want to try out a hairstyle on you," she said brightly. I shrugged, not really caring.  
When she finally finished, she guided me over to the mirror. "Do you like it?"  
  
I saw what she'd done. Two little buns on each side of my hair, with excess hair hanging down...  
I hadn't seen myself in that hairstyle in ages. Almost...too long.  
It didn't look half bad, actually. It didn't look exactly the same, my hair wasn't long enough yet. But  
maybe I'd let it grow out.  
  
"I knew you'd enjoy it," Madison said softly.  
Snapping back to reality, I scowled and contemplated yanking out the hairstyle. But what the heck, I  
decided to keep it in. Maybe I just didn't want to hurt Madison's feelings. Although less than twenty-  
four hours ago, I wouldn't give a care if I'd hurt her feelings.  
  
Li and Sakura came back into the room. Sakura dashed up to me the moment she saw I was awake.  
"Meiling, hi!" she greeted happily. "How do you feel?"  
"I'm alright," I told her, much less energetically. But it wasn't in a bad way, I was just tired.  
  
She held out a bag of doughnuts to me, for breakfast I guess.  
Sugar-coated doughnuts, I corrected myself, peering into the bag. Once, my favourite. I hadn't had  
them in over a year, not surprisingly.  
  
I started to realize that I was probably in the middle of a get-Meiling-back marathon. I gave a little  
half-smile, not sure how well their little idea would pull off. But it was nice of them to try.  
Not that I was considering them as friends again or anything.  
  
"I remembered these were your favourites," Sakura smiled. "But I wasn't sure how you'd feel about  
them now, and I didn't know what kind you would like, so..."  
I had a comment prepared about how these doughnuts were a part of the old babyish me, but it  
never came out. What came out was something completely different.  
  
"It's all right, these are fine," I said reassuringly.  
They all blinked in surprise; it was the nicest thing I'd done all year.  
And besides, the doughnuts were good, they tasted just as I remembered them.  
  
"By the way Meiling, I like your hair," Li mentioned, gesturing to my new--or my old--hairstyle.   
I smiled, then I was suddenly reminded of the days when I would live and die for every one of his  
compliments. It seemed like a lifetime ago.  
  
Just one more time....  
  
The day passed rather quickly, even though I was practically locked in my hospital room, and probably  
would be for the next two or three days.  
I was surprised at how many people had stopped by. Chelsea, Rita, Zachery, Nikki. Wei came by  
too, when he got back home. He was too concerned to care about why I was in the hospital but I  
knew it wouldn't last long, and he would be furious. I had broken yet another Li Clan law.  
Did I care?  
  
It was all I could do to keep Wei and the other three from sleeping over at the hospital. Madison, Li  
and Sakura hung around for the entire day, the longest they'd left all day was half an hour.  
Through all the attention and everything I was getting, I could only think of one thing.   
  
Where was he?  
  
It was around seven pm, I was watching the sun set. The setting seemed strangely familiar; I knew  
why. The others had gone out again, at my insistence.  
And then he was there, right behind me. I felt him before he spoke.  
"Heya, Mei-chan."  
  
I whirled around, and flung myself out of bed straight at him, ignoring all strict orders of me staying  
in bed. "Raku!" I squealed, throwing my arms around him. "I knew you'd come."  
"Like I'd stay away," he smirked. "But how are you feeling?" He sat next to me on the bed.  
  
"Fine, now," I breathed, feeling the familiar flush in my cheeks.  
"That's good," he grinned, turning me around to rub me on the back. "I was worried."  
He began rubbing in circular motions, drawing a faint memory of the night before, most of which I'd  
forgotten.  
  
"It was because I was careless, wasn't it?" I murmured. "I'm sorry Raku, I probably ruined the entire  
party for you."  
"It's alright, I had fun," he reassured me. "Besides, we can pick off where we left off right here."  
Where we left off? I echoed in my mind, straining to remember.  
  
The memory came flying back, hitting me full force as he slipped his hand down the front of my   
hospital gown.  
Last night, I had felt uncomfortable. Tonight, all I felt was panicky.  
"Don't be afraid, Mei-chan," he whispered. "I'll take care of you."  
  
For once, I barely noticed that he had called me Mei-chan. The panic obliterated everything else as  
I jumped up. "Raku, please, I don't really want to-"  
He got a kind of wounded look on his face. "But you said you loved me last night."  
  
"No I didn't," I reminded him, knowing that much. It was the main reason we had gone into the  
kitchen in the first place; I hadn't wanted to answer his question.  
"You mean you don't love me?"  
  
He looked so hurt...I couldn't lose him, but...  
"I like you Raku, I really do, a lot, but.." I was starting to babble.  
Apparently, he thought that was answer enough, because he wrapped his arms around me, pulling  
me down onto the bed. With a flash of realization, I knew what he had in mind, and began to   
struggle.  
  
"No, Raku please!" I cried, lashing out with my fists, trying my best to fight back. "I can't, I'm  
only thirteen-"  
"You've always been saying what a big girl you are now," he pointed out, running his hands all over  
me. "Well, now you prove it."  
  
This couldn't be him, not Raku. Not the sweet guy that had rescued me, and promised to always  
protect me, and to always be there. He'd been possessed, that was the only explanation. Taken  
over by a demon in his head, worse than the one that had gotten to me...wait, where had that   
come from?  
  
Just please don't leave me too....  
  
Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I realized it was too late, he had already left me. In  
an even worse way than Li had. What was he going to do to me? Who was he? My cheeks burned  
with humiliation and pain.  
  
The door suddenly burst open, and...who else?--came through the door. I was so relieved, I burst  
into huge torrents of sobs as Raku finally took his weight off of me, sitting up and turning around.  
  
"Excuse me, what in the world's going on here?" Li demanded in a quiet voice, Sakura, Madison  
and Rita right behind him. The latter was watching Raku and I in confusion, but the other three  
obviously recognized him; they were already pretty mad at him, without immediately putting two  
and two together when they saw my tearstained face.  
  
All the same, I felt a dart of pain through my soul as I glanced from Li to Raku. What would they  
do to him?  
They couldn't hurt him. I still cared about him...even though it was a fruitless attempt.  
  
Again.  
  
It was happening to me..twice in less than the span of a year.  
  
The familiar demon rushed back into my mind in full force, with the familiar question: What's wrong  
with me?  
  
"Just what do you think you're doing to my cousin?" Li hissed, giving Raku the glare that had made  
even me back down..in my ice queen state, too.  
"Meiling, are you alright?" cried Sakura, racing to my side with Madison. I didn't even recognize them;  
I was too busy watching the confrontation. The two guys looked ready to attack each other at any  
moment.  
  
"So *you* must be her little cousin," sneered Raku. Never had I heard his voice sound so cold.  
"Lot of nerve you have, considering what you did to her."  
"Whatever it was, there's no way it could've been worse than what *you* did," Li countered.  
"I wouldn't bet on it," Raku said, turning to me. "Come on Meiling. Tell your *cousin* just what  
you think of him."  
  
I couldn't even glance in Li's direction as I stared wide-eyed into Raku's eyes. Desperately trying  
to find some sign that he didn't really expect me to choose, that he still cared. But all I found was  
cruel amusement.  
  
"And why don't you tell him just what I did for you," he added with a smirk.  
"Raku...." Myriad tears built up in my eyes, blurring my vision.  
"Oh, you mean the way you almost ruined her reputation by making her hang out with scum like  
you?" Li asked sarcastically, taking a step forward.  
  
He was going to attack, I knew. I could tell. And even though Raku was older and taller, Li was way  
more experienced in fighting.  
No! my mind cried out. Breaking free of Sakura and Madison's grasp, I dashed up to them, shielding  
Raku from Li. "No!" I shouted to Li. "Don't hurt him!"  
  
Li glared at me, largely in frustration and confusion. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't, and  
I might reconsider," he retorted. "How can you defend him after what he did to you? Not to mention  
what he was about to do to you?"  
  
I didn't see Raku roll his eyes behind my back, but I definetly took notice when he sauntered out the  
door, pushing past Rita and the nurse about to enter.   
"No Raku, please wait!" I cried after him, about to dash out the door. Li was holding me back.  
  
No, I couldn't lose him too. Not both him and Li. They couldn't both be gone...  
  
I would do anything for you....just please don't leave me too...  
  
He'd been lying, too. He'd been lying just like he'd said that Li and the others had been lying, too.  
Everybody lied, and they were the same lies over and over again.  
"I care about you."...  
  
I fought against Li the best I could, trying to wrench my arm away. "Let me go, let me go, let me  
go!" I yelled.  
Li finally yanked me back, and I was left staring into his cocoa-amber eyes. So many things that I'd  
tried to bury all year came back to me right then, crashing down on me like a tidal wave.  
  
"Meiling. No."  
  
Amazing what an effect those two simple words had. Then again, anything spoken by him had a  
profound effect on me.  
I sank to the floor, almost falling, Li had to break my fall. I didn't notice any of this, my mind was  
a whirling pit of black, terrifying nothingness that I faced alone..  
  
No, not again, please not again! my mind screamed in despair.  
I never realized that I'd actually whispered the words out loud, loud enough for the other four to  
hear me.  
Li wasn't letting go of me, keeping me in a tight hug, which only worsened the pain. As I thought  
that just maybe, it could have meant something more, this hug...if I hadn't been the way I am.  
  
I would sell my soul to meet you again...  
  
The nurse came up gently, leading me over to the bed and directing me to lie down, all without one  
word. She gestured for the others to exit the room. They all hesitated, then Madison and Rita gave  
me quick hugs and they all left. Then I felt a prick on my right arm, and the nurse rubbed my back  
gently and left.  
  
I didn't register much of it, all I saw was the deep pit..worse than the pit from hell that the demons  
in my head had crawled out of. The demons that now snickered at me, feeding on my mind, on  
my heart and soul...  
  
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep. Must have been that shot the nurse gave me. When I opened  
my eyes next, the room was dark, and unusually silent. I was facing the window, and even from  
my horizontal position on the bed I could see the bright stars and crescent moon.  
  
So beautiful....  
I had thought something like this before.  
Night was my favourite time of the day, had been for the past year. The cruelties in the world were  
so much more obvious in the night, yet were still innocently concealed by the darkened cloak, making  
them seem almost harmless and incredibly natural.  
  
So unlike the deceitful beauty of the daylight, where they were all hidden in the sweetest, purified  
golden disguise to the point of obliviation. Until they would jump out at you and swallow you whole.  
  
Night was also my favourite because of what could happen. Especially the dreams. Over the past  
year, I had almost always run to bed at the instant the sun slipped below the cityline, gotten high,  
and immediately fallen asleep, desperate to escape this reality.  
  
And I had hated the moment the sun rose, the image of it streaming through the window onto my  
face, as if pestering me to wake up so I could enjoy all the wonderful joys of this terrible reality.  
  
I wish I could stay asleep forever....  
  
Now, what was there to dream? The drugs wouldn't help me at all, because as it turned out they  
had been killing me all along (was that a bad thing?) And then Raku had shown his true colours,  
leaving me to pick up the shards of my shattered soul.  
  
Just make it all go away...  
  
I hate this place. It screwed me over twice..and had ruined whatever little claim I'd had in fate.  
I hate this world.  
  
I didn't realize that I had started crying quietly. I didn't realize that I had gotten out of bed and was  
looking out the window, pressing my forehead against the cool glass. Remembering a scene like this  
from deep in my memory.  
  
I also hadn't realized that I wasn't alone in the room. Not until she spoke up.  
"You alright, Meiling?"  
  
I almost jumped as I whirled to face Sakura. "Where did you come from?" I blurted out in surprise.  
I saw her smile at me in the darkness. "Actually, I've been here for about an hour," she told me.  
"Li was the one watching you for most of the night."  
  
Most of the night...casting a closer look at the horizon, I noticed that it was slightly brighter than the  
rest of the sky. Almost dawn. Amazingly, I had been asleep most of the night.  
  
Sakura seemed to read my mind as I walked back over to the bed. "They gave you a shot to put  
you to sleep," she admitted what I already knew.  
I simply nodded, crawled into bed...but I just couldn't bring myself to lay down. As if something  
horrible would happen, I'd be confined to an even worse reality than I was trapped in now.  
  
Oh God, please no...  
  
Suddenly, I felt Sakura's arms slip around me in a hug, just as I collapsed in a hurricane of tears.  
"It's alright Meiling, it's alright..."  
I didn't even hear her words.   
  
Just make it go away...  
  
"Sakura, please," I sobbed. "If you really wanted to do me a favour, you would kill me now. I can't  
live this way..."  
Over my crying, I heard a silence, such a loud silence.  
  
Then she just hugged me tighter, and I could feel tears slipping down her own face. I was shocked  
right out of my pain for an instant.   
"Meiling, don't talk like that," she pleaded. "Things may seem bad now..I swear they'll get better, we'll  
help you. Just please hold on."  
  
I pulled away, staring at her through the night's dark touch. "Why are *you* crying?" I whispered.  
What did she even have to cry about? She wasn't like me, I bet she had never had a single thought  
like the ones I continuously had. She was full of light, and an incredible will to live...she had the  
perfect guy, the only one on the planet that I ever really would live and die for...  
  
"Meiling," she replied through her tears. "You are my friend. And you're a part of the team. And when  
you're hurt, I'm hurt.." she broke off, not knowing whether she had gotten through to me.  
She had. I realized then and there that I hadn't just been hurting myself, I'd been hurting them  
too. Madison, Sakura, Chelsea, Rita,....Li.. Everything I'd done, they'd been feeling the after-effects.  
And if I ended it all, what would it do to them then?  
  
I still didn't understand why they wanted to be friends with me.  
  
It didn't matter.   
Crystal tears piled into my eyes, but of a different nature. Sakura pulled me close, as I cried into the  
shoulder of the girl who'd taken my true love away from me.  
  
  
  
  
  
(Epilogue)  
  
  
  
~Meiling's POV~  
  
  
  
Sakura and the others really had stood by me all along. Through all the long therapy sessions and  
meetings with social workers and psychiatrists to help me get through my depression. It really did  
work, at least in my opinion. And my opinion was the only one that should matter to me, the famous  
words of the social worker.  
  
Raku had been found and arrested, not only for being the leader of the drug gang, but for taking me  
to the party when he knew I was only thirteen, and lying about my age when he'd brought me into  
the hospital. When he'd told the cops that I was the one who'd insisted on coming to the party, I had  
simply opened my eyes in my most innocent look (I was amazed it could still work, I hadn't used it in  
a year) and countered that I hadn't even known about the party until he'd invited me.   
The cops took about three seconds to decide who was telling the truth. That, on top of the attempted  
rape charge was the clincher. I don't know where he is now.  
  
I don't know what happened to the rest of the drug gang, either, but I didn't really care.  
  
As for me....  
  
"Flight 507 now boarding, non-stop to Hong Kong," blared the intercom voice all over the airport.  
I stood up, picking up my duffel bag and grabbing hold of my suitcase, before turning to face Li,  
Sakura, Madison, and even the stuffed animal guardian of the seal, who I hadn't seen in a really   
long time. I hesitated for a moment as I watched them.  
Wei was somewhere in the airport, I guess he got the idea that us kids should just  
be alone when I said goodbye.  
  
"I really wish you didn't have to go, Meiling," Sakura told me, hugging me tight. I had to drop both  
of my bags to hug her back, but I didn't care.   
"I wish I didn't, too," I replied. "But my family thinks that the best thing for me to do right now would  
be to go home, so..." I felt like I was explaining it for the seventeenth time.  
  
"But I'm going to miss you so much!"  
"So will I," Madison seconded, throwing her arms around me in a tight hug. "I'll send you those  
pictures we took on that picnic yesterday, as soon as I get them developed."  
"It's sure not going to be the same around here without you, little girl," Kero mumbled, as if admitting  
something awful. I just smirked at him. "Just don't get used to it, I'll be back. That's a promise."  
  
Taking a deep breath, I finally turned to him, meeting his gaze straight, and voluntarily, for the first  
time in...you guessed it, over a year.  
I could feel it instantly, I knew I was still just as much in love with him as I had been a year ago,  
if not even more. People say that when things like this happen, you're supposed to just forget about  
him and get over it and move on.  
  
I think I had gotten over it. It didn't hurt as much as before when I saw him with her, actually a lot  
less than it had felt, even when I'd been on the drugs. Geez, those things had *really* helped, hadn't  
they?  
I don't know if I've moved on, though. And I know for sure that I wouldn't ever forget about him. I  
was still his, but not wholly and completely, as if I would never be complete without him.  
  
Because he still loved her.  
But I could live with that.   
  
We'd been staring at each other for a few seconds. He made the first move, pulling me into a close  
hug. I hugged him back, naturally, but not finding myself wishing that it could mean more. Because  
I was happy enough with what it meant now.  
  
"Take care of yourself," he murmured. "And don't do anything you wouldn't do if I were around," he  
added sternly.  
I just smiled at him, completely innocent. After all, what he didn't know would never hurt him.  
I quickly took back the thought the moment I thought it. Sheesh, with all the proof I'd had of just  
the opposite, too.  
  
"I'm okay, Li," I told him. "I'm just going to miss you most of all."  
He pulled back slightly, looking me straight in the eye again. Straight into my once-again bright, ruby  
coloured eyes.  
  
"There's nothing at all wrong with you," he told me firmly. "Don't forget that. It just..happened, that's  
all."  
I nodded, even though I didn't really understand the last thing he'd said.  
  
"Flight 507 now boarding, last call," announced the intercom loudly. I glanced up at it, then at Gate  
15, where the door was open, leading into the plane. Then I turned back to them. Shaking my head  
to clear my eyes of any tears that were threatening to build, I looked at them all. "Please don't   
forget me," I whispered.  
  
Sakura gave me her smile. "Not much chance of that happening," she responded.   
Giving them all one last quick hug, I told them to say goodbye to Wei for me again, then I grabbed  
my belongings and ran toward the gate.  
  
I was the last passenger on the plane, but I didn't care about that either. I didn't care much about  
the smallest things in life anymore. Turning around at the gate, I waved to the others, then dashed  
down the long corridor and onto the plane.  
  
It took off less than three minutes later, I barely had time to put my duffel bag away. As we took  
off, I stared out the window as the town of Tomoeda got smaller and smaller, giving way to a  
map-like landscape.  
  
No doubt I would miss it. And no doubt I would miss Li. But things could be a lot worse, he could  
have hated me forever, as could the rest of them. They certainly had every right to.  
I hope he's happy, I thought, leaning back and slipping on my headphones as the scenery changed  
to miles and miles of fluffy clouds. I was listening to a pop song. Don't get me wrong, though, I still  
liked heavy metal a lot too. But not because Jerk Raku liked it, too.  
  
It wasn't so bad, I was really lucky. And I was way, way ahead.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
'Cause there's a hunger  
A longing to escape  
From the life I live when I'm awake  
So let's go there  
Let's make our escape   
Come on let's go there  
Let's ask, can we stay?  
  
  
~Creed- Higher  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So, what'd you think? Or should I just stick to the same old romance fics? Please review or email me  
and tell me, k? Once again, thank you everybody ^_^ Cya! 


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